Mostly up and then down

We had been doing quite well until a week ago. I'm not sure what happened or what caused it. I've been going to work, getting along fine, and yes, I cry sometimes in my car or when my door is closed. But I hadn't really lost it until last Thursday. I still have some thank-you notes to write, so I decided to write a few. That brings up so many difficult memories and feelings (SO trying to suppress them, get over them). Writing the thank you notes led to looking at a few cards, and that led me to looking at some of her pictures again. I cried for about 2 hours. I've cried several times the couple of days pretty intensely as well. Adam broke down too a couple of days ago because he spoke to a friend he hadn't talked to in months, and they didn't know what happened. Having to tell the story again makes us relive it. I look around our little apartment sometimes and get depressed because it's not where I expected us to be right now. I'd still be pregnant, and we'd be in at least a two-bedroom, not a studio. We'd have baby things around, and we'd be looking forward to her birth. I'd be winding things down at work preparing to be off for a few weeks. Instead I'm working diligently trying to get my sales pipeline going again. We were planning on buying a house; now we're going to stay here for a while and pay off our student loans. That's not a bad idea....it's a very good idea. But it's not where I expected to be. I kiss her little silver box every morning and say, "Good morning, Sweetheart. I love you!" I hope she can hear me or feel me. We miss her so much and are very much looking forward to seeing her again.