Adam and I have continued blogging, but we've decided to keep many of the posts unpublished for now. We've been up and down lately because we were approaching her due date of March 27. That was three days ago. We took off for a few days and went to Key West because we needed to get away. We didn't want to be at work that day. I doubt we would have gotten much done. We had a great time and enjoyed being away from home.
I don't think we ever imagined so many people would be interested in reading this blog, but that's a good thing. But that's also why we've shied away from publishing so much. We will one day but not on a blog...maybe in a book or something. Much of how we feel is directed at some of our family and friends because of things going on in their lives right now (namely other babies being born!), and we don't want to take away from anyone's happiness or create resentment. So some things we will keep to ourselves for now. :-)
Please know that we gained so much strength from all of you and your support of this blog. We thoroughly enjoyed every comment, prayer, and well-wish. I don't think we'd feel as good as we do now without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I used to think everything happens for a reason, but now I'm not so sure. What could possibly be a reason good enough for a child to die? I really can't think of any. But I don't think we understand the complexities of the universe and God either. We're not supposed to know until we die. At some point you have to let things go so you can get on with your life, otherwise you will go crazy. And I did ask myself that at some point (several times). Do I stay in this low place for the rest of my life and be miserable (I could live for a very long time after this), or do I try to find just one thing every day to look forward to? One way out is killing yourself, and that's certainly a valid choice. Many times I could not fathom ever feeling any better than I did. I couldn't imagine living without her, even though she hadn't been in our lives for very long. But I denounced killing myself for a couple of reasons. One, I didn't want my parents to feel the same way I did ( a horrible, horrible place), and two, I think we're supposed to endure certain things in our lives. If we don't endure the hurdles and take the easy way out (killing yourself), then we'll probably have to go through the same hurdle again in another life. And I don't want to do that either. So the only choice I had was to get up every day and trudge forward, even when I didn't want to, when even getting up to take a shower was a huge accomplishment. The fact that I've been back at work for about ten weeks now and haven't had a huge setback (depression that knocks me down for several days) is a huge accomplishment.
She said hi to us again when we were in Key West. We happened to sit down next to a lady named Francesca. That's not a very common name, especially for anyone under the age of 70! We just smiled and told the lady what a beautiful name she had.
I could really use some help from you all though, and if you don't feel comfortable commenting on this site feel free to email me directly at thesunshinegirl78@yahoo.com. Because I'm searching for meaning in all of this, it would help me to know if reading about Francesca, cheering for her, and following her life for a few weeks helped you or changed you in any way. That would really make me feel good. Thank you so much.
