Mother's Day came and went. We survived it and are still here! Ha, ha. I didn't think about it much really aside from getting my own mom something. Then a received one phone call, then another, then a hug from someone, a note. People remembered us, her, me, and wished me a good day. That was so very nice of them. I didn't expect it, but it was very nice to receive. The waves of love that surround us still amaze me.
I can't speak for Adam because I am not him, and he's going through this on his own. He has finally stopped pretending nothing is wrong and that he's fine. Thank goodness. For a while I thought there was something wrong with me (or him) because I felt I had too many emotions while he didn't have what I thought was enough. The past few days were similar to scraping an old scab off a cut. I had finally got back into the swing of things and had a routine going again. Routines are nice when you don't want to think! But the last few days were hard. I cried a lot. I talked to her. She didn't give me any signs though which surprised me. But that's okay. I think she likes to catch me off guard when I'm not expecting a hello. :-D A sign on Mother's Day would be so typical, Mom!
It's surprising how angry both of us are. We are just so angry at the world, at God (if He exists), at people with healthy babies and children. I know it's horrible to say that, but I want to capture my true feelings and thoughts right now, not just what I think is right. Adam and I confided in one another that there are brief moments when we want everyone to feel the same pain we have/are feeling. I bet a lot of people feel that way about their experiences. And who can blame them? There's a selfish part of you that says, "Why me?" Adam seems to think the world is about balance, and everyone's life is composed of perfect balance in good and bad ways. I don't think that's true, but I really don't have anything to compare it to. Who am I to say that Paris Hilton's life, for example, is really as glamorous and fantastic as it seems? But yet I doubt that she will experience the depth of pain I have. Maybe I am wrong. This idea then rationalizes that we had something "bad" happen in our lives because we had so much "good" before it. Whatever.
I used to think there was a reason for everything. Not anymore. I think the world is fantastically random. This has radically changed how I view the world, my place in it, and how I want to live the rest of my life. I fully realize I am going to die, and I have no idea when or how. So I live each day now almost assuming I won't live to be 40 or even perhaps make it to next week. Therefore if I want to do something, I do it. What the hell is retirement for if you never make it?!?
